Dec 28, 2008


I am cleaning house. Throwing away the excess and making boxes of stuff for future garage sales or give-a-ways as I know that I will not be taking all of this stuff with me over the pond. My mom asked me the other day about what I would be taking, and I told her I am not really attached to any of the stuff I have. I could really just take some clothes and start over. I would want to leave pictures and a few special items in a box here, but for the most part its just stuff. This is a good place to be, but I still have a lot of stuff to sort through.

As I was sorting the piles under my bed, I came across a collage I made way back in my Jr. year of high school, you know the kind where you take words, quotes and pictures from magazines and put it all together. This "art piece" has lasted through well over 15 moves, and thanks to my laminating skills is still in good shape. The theme of the collage was who I wanted to be. This was not an assignment, rather just a lazy day activity.

So what Trinity? How is this funny? I am getting there, what is funny is that as I read all the words on this 11 year old piece of paper I can see how I have come very close to achieving what I wanted way back then. Not on purpose, obviously I was not giving this collage much weight as it was stuffed under my bed but I have a feeling God, who knows my heart and all my inmost thoughts kept this collage in His sights.

Here are the things on the collage so you can see what I mean:

At the very center is the word EMANUEL (God with us), funny that back then I put this as the center, because in the midst of my Jr. year of high school I was really having a hard time with wanting to give Him that place.

Peace - another thing I had little of that year, as that is when my seizures started.
Versatility - I have done many things that I never thought I would do.
Embrace - I pride myself on embracing life to its fullest, trying new things and welcoming new ideas.
Go Places you've never gone before - hummm yep going to live overseas, in a job that will likely take me many places.
Traveler - at that point in my life I had never been outside of the US now I have been to 8 countries.
Fashion - I really did not care about fashion until just these past 5 years, but now I love it.
Italian - Not even in my wildest dreams did I think I would be living in Italy...or speaking Italian or meeting Italians
Film -Yeah, at this point I thought I was going to be a psychologist or a teacher, not majoring in Film and Television production.
England -Went there
Paris - Been there
Hollywood and San Fransisco - Been there done that.
Take Pictures -Of course
Fine Art - I took painting, drawing and graphic design in college
Connecting People - This is one of my gifts according to the Strength Finder Assessment I did for ReachGlobal

And now get these Quotes:

"Communicating with people is how I always developed any kind of value about myself..."

"You can make the decision to cut yourself away from the World or be part of it. I choose to be a part of if big time."

"I don't want a house with one theme or color scheme. I want it to change, like my personality. I get bored easily; I want variety."

So the only things on this poster that have not come about yet are the following:
Mr. Right
Wedding and Marriage.
New York (though it says New York Spirit, which I do have thanks to Sex and the City)
Broadway - Though I have seen a lot of shows in London and in Oregon

Not bad.


Dec 25, 2008

Twas the Night of Christmas

It's a little past 11pm on Christmas, and I am home in my bungalow. Which for those of you who have been following this blog would imply that yes the freaky gian purple newt has been relocated to a new home! Otherwise I would not be here. But, thankfully being a Youth Pastor has finally paid off and as one of my boys and his father promptly came to my rescue on Christmas Eve to remove the icky miniature dragon (or over-sized slimy lizard) type creature which had taken up residence in on my steps.

For those of you worried that I had them off it rest assured that it has mearly been taken away, not knocked off. Though those that know me and experianced my fear yesterday would know that I am not an animal lover or a slimy creature lover, and would not really have any quams having it killed, but alas it really just got moved into a friendlier neighborhood.

Knowing that my creature was no longer a threat awaiting me at home, it was much eaiser to return back to my lovely little place tonight, and reflect on my Christmas day. Looking back it really was a one of the better Christmases. Why? So glad you asked, because it was just my family, it was simple, and it was realxed in every way.

To be honest I was not looking forward to this siplistic Christmas, I love having the bigger family around or friends, I thought I would miss ahving the extras. I was wrong. I cannot explain to you how nice it was to wake up, start a fire (yep I did that) and have my little 8 year old brother come in so excited because Santa really did come and better yet he left presents. I think Jordan was really not sure if he was going to get anything this year, so the compleate joy when he discovered the lack of coal was so refreshing. We let everyone wake up as they did, and took our turns opening stockings filled with goodies, letting each person really enjoy the the treats they unwraped. After awhile we did cinimon rolls and gifts, at a leasurly pace, with lots of thanks.

You see about a month ago we all agreed to keep in mind the idea of not over spending, and we all held to it. So, none of us came in expecting much and I think everyone was really able to enjoy what they did get because of that understanding. There was honest excitement over each gift.

I also was encouraged to give a gift to a charity in my parents honor instead of getting them a gift, as was Krista and we both had a fun time picking out the charities to surprise our parents with. Lots of fun.

After all of this came a trip with the whole fam to the movies to see Bedtime Stories, which was much more fun than I expected! Then home to cook dinner together, eat and look at old family pics, it really has been wonderful life we have had, all of which is a gift because of the ultimate Christmas gift Jesus Christ.

Hope you too got to experince the joyu of Christmas this year!

Dec 24, 2008

It's back

I went home to find that ever creepy yet even bigger now newt...YUCK...NO THANK YOU!

So I ran away...called one of my fearless youth guys and bribed him with $10 to dispose of the icky gross creature that is stalking my home.

If it reappears he owes me $20! I needed some insurance to be sure it would not be freaking me out again! A girls got to do what a girls got to do.

Dec 13, 2008

Now I Can Tell You...

You may have noticed that I have not blogged in quite some time, that's because everything worth blogging about was off limits...but now that it's out in the open I can share it with you!

I am very excited to tell you that I am going to be starting a new chapter in my life!

Nope, not getting married, nor am I pregnant! So, what's the big news? I have been commissioned to be a long term missionary in Rome, Italy!

Some of you have known this for a week now and the rest of you are probably reading this in disbelief. I wanted to tell you all in person, but since I do not know all of you personally it was a bit impractical.

I have of course started a new blog that will follow me on this journey. I invite you all to visit that blog often, and right now, as it has the whole story including my calling, and information about the organization and team I will be going with.

Nov 25, 2008

And Swallow

Today I had my Modified Barium Swallow today which means that I went to the hospital and met with a speech therapist who was really very sweet. She had me stick out my tongue a few times and discovered it has a natural tendency to go towards the left.

This is not really a problem, just good to know in case someday they think I have a stroke, and use my tongue as a guide. At which point I should tell them, not to worry my tongue has always been like that.

Basically I have more muscle on the right side of my tongue, so I guess I could just start some tongue workouts and be just fine and dandy. ;)

After all the tongue checks I got to sit inside a X-ray machine and eat different foods all of which had Barium mixed into them. First straight up drinking the stuff...
(in case you were wondering this stuff tasted like spicy pepto)
Then came peach puree', followed by a tuna fish sandwich and finally a gram cracker with peanut butter. Then I had to repeat a few of those, just to be sure.
The whole time I and the therapist could watch as I chewed and swallowed, on a monitor. I asked for a copy of the DVD so I could post it here, but she wasn't able to make that happen. So the picture here, is not me, but it is pretty close to what it looked like. Each time I would swallow you could watch this black stuff move through me. It was actually pretty cool. If I ever get a copy I will try to post it.

The results have to be sent back to the ENT, but it looked pretty normal other than my strong right muscle in my tongue, and that my tongue does not touch the back of my throat when I swallow, neither do my tonsils move up as they should. But I guess that is not a big deal.

Nov 22, 2008


I woke up today and did not feel like spending the whole day curled up in pj's in front of the TV or just in bed. It is maybe the first day in weeks that I have felt like getting up. Not the first day in weeks I have gotten up mind you. This is good!

Yesterday I felt horrible all day long, because on top of everything I had gotten a cold. It was my day off though, so I took full advantage of the time off to rest. I lounged in front of my TV and watched some of my favorite shows; What Not to Wear, Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, The Travel Channel (though sadly they did not offer much), West Wing and Gilmore Girls reruns and NCIS. Along with way too many hours of TV I also made tea, soup and drank water.

I finally fell asleep listening to Italian CD's and woke up this morning not feeling like I wanted to stay in all day. I am still not 100%, but I feel mounds better than I have in a long time.

So thank you for your prayers. Keep it up! Hopefully I can kick all of this stuff by Thanksgiving and have something to be super Thankful for!!!

Nov 17, 2008


I feel like I should have my own medical blog just to keep you all up to date on the medical stuff. Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me these last few weeks. For those of you who care about the latest keep reading...(those of you who don't should have already stopped)

Here is the time line and answers as I know them:

Oct. 30th - Started feeling really crummy (thought it was the flu)

Oct. 30th - Switched from 90mg of Armour Thyroid to 120mg.

Oct. 31st- tried to take it easy, but allowed myself to go to the Amazing Black and White party

Nov. 4th - Thought I might just be really excited that Obama won when my heart started racing decided it was not that exciting so I took myself to the ER. See old post if you care that much.

Nov. 8th - Heart began racing again. Went to the ER again. Wore a holter monitor home for 24 hours, after another 5 hours in the ER. Lots of fun.

Nov. 10th - Saw a fill- in doc at my doctors office because my Doc was out of town. That was pointless. Got a massage, cause I was still feeling crummy. Everything even my fingers and toes hurt.

Nov. 12 - Saw the Endocrinologist he was looking at me because I was having a hard time swallowing and that was only getting worse. He ruled out a connection to the thyroid, and said that the heart problems were most likely from the increased thyroid.

Nov. 14th - Saw my Dr. she agreed with the endocrinologist so we lowered the Armour back to 90mg. She wanted me to see an ENT to get my throat looked at. Which the other doc had thought of too. Along with taking stuff for acid reflux in the mean time. She also discovered that I have Parvovirus B19 which is why I feel like crap. All my joints are swollen and sore and I am extremely tired because of this. Which is great! I am glad to have a name for it, but sad because there is no treatment, except time, rest and Ibprophen. It can last for months. Joy.

Nov. 17th - Saw the ENT, not my favorite idea, seeing as in High School I had to have nasal reconstructive surgery and in college another ENT discovered that the first ENT totally screwed up. Needless to say I am not a fan of the ENT's. So today New ENT stuck a scope up my nose and down my throat, and discovered that I do infact have Acid Reflux. So I will be taking more meds. I also need an X-ray to be sure I can swallow, so I have to swallow nasty stuff and then get an X-ray. Oh and I have to see a GI doctor, just to be sure that there is noting beyond my vocal cords that is a problem. Which means a different scope stuck down my throat.

So coming soon I will have more to report, but for now I am on 90mg of Armour Thryoid till Dec. then 115mg. I am on 4times the normal dose of Prilocect and I need to avoid all food and drinks that I enjoy, sleep on an incline, and stop eatting late at night.

thanks for caring enough to read all this.

Nov 5, 2008

So Excited

I don't know if I was just really excited to see my country finally select the new President or if I was having a reaction to my new level of meds but last night at about 11:30 my heart started racing and feeling funny. It was hard to swallow and I was feeling pain everywhere like I had been punched repeatedly. So I took myself to the ER to see what the deal was. After many tests, some which I expected and others they forgot to mention...EKG, Heart monitor, Thyroid TSH normal blood work up and a pregnancy test (just in case I somehow ended up in that condition unbeknownst to me.) after all that and lots of waiting they sent me home. The doctor said I was having minor heart palputations ... oh wait I knew that going in. I was instructed to see my Doctor this morning, but alas she is gone till a week from Friday. Best guess is that it is my body getting used to the meds.

I called for my lab results this morning at which time I found out I am not pregnant. Big Shocker there. And that my thyroid level is 1.27 which is "normal" But if this is what normal feels like, I don't want it, cause I feel horrible.

I think I need this guy and his team to figure this out stat!

Nov 1, 2008

worthy of newt

Okay so it is 9;30 I just got home to discover my power back on which is good because had it not been on I would have totally stepped on this Giant Purple Newt that was chillaxin by my door. By that i mean it is still there, it won't leave.

I don't think that you can really appreciate the size of this creature from my cell phone quality pictures. Think of my size 9 foot, it is about that big, and it is as slimy as it looks and purple with buggy eyes, not really what I was hoping to discover waiting at home for me.

Oct 30, 2008

who knew?

Like I said I am home sick/recovering today. Which gave me time to research my Thyroid problem, and medication. This has been an ongoing issue in my life for years now, perhaps before we even knew it was one. I started having what looked like seizures in my Junior year of High School but it was not till about four years later that any doctor thought that my tremmors may infact be linked to a thyroid problem. So way back in oh 2000 ish (I think) My doctor let me know I had graves desease which meant that my thyroid was over producing hormones that in turn effect the rest of my body. Bummer. So I opted to take Radio Active Iodine.

Yep I chose to swallow radioactive pills to effectively kill my thyroid. The problem aside from being radio active for a few weeks was that the RAI treatment did not work. My thyroid levels were still off the charts. So I took the pills a second time with similar results. My doctor at the time suggested a third round, but I opted out considering it did not seem to be working and they mentioned that they had accidentally managed to kill my pituitary gland instead. Oops.

Then I was put on some thyroid drug to help my levels but instead of helping, everything in my body went kinda haywire for a few months after which I stopped the drugs, and decided that due to a lack of improvement and insurance I would just ignore the problem.

My mistake, because years later when I walked into my new doctors office for my initial check up she took one look at me and said, "you have a thyroid problem don't you?" I filled her in and she let me know that she was fairly certain that my Thyroid had finally kicked the bucket sometime in the last two years. Which was probably the reason I had gained weight, and was having trouble concentrating, as well as sleeping, and feeling depressed. So we ran some tests and low and behold she was right. (A first time I have had a doctor be right on purpose)

She got me taking some thyroid replacement medication
Synthroid or Levoxal but, which at first really seemed to boost my energy, but quickly seemed to be doing nothing. Then she switched me to Armor which is a natural form. It is made from pig thyroid, she explained that it is not as widely used and can be harder to find, but that she thought it would do a better job for my body.

I have to admit that until today I was begining to lose faith in this Armour thyroid, I am on my third or fourth round of perscriptions each at a higher dose, because we have not been able to get my levels high enough. Each time we change the dose my body has to readjust, and this I was getting fed up. Which is why today as I was laying here, trying to recoup from my smack down last night, and still feeling crummy as well as just starting a higher dose of 120mg up from 90mg I began my research.

My research has restored my faith in my doctor, whom I love, and given me hope that this drug will infact do the trick once the right dosage is found. Here are some links to sites that helped, incase there are those of you out there with similar problems.


Armour Thyroid and Thyrolar

Stop The Thyroid Maddness

My hope and purpose in writing this somewhat long post is that those of you who like me are feeling frustrated with your current thyroid issues will be encouraged to know that you are not alone, and that there are answers.

Smack Down

Some of you know that I am a Youth Director, which means much of my time is spent with students in Jr. and Sr. High. It is a great job! I love my students, I love that they come over to my home, that we go places, that I get to go to their schools, and to their homes, I love that they come and chill in my office. The only time I have found it is hard to love my students is when they hit me in the face with a ball.

You see part of my job is playing wild crazy games in a gym...which usually involves any number of balls flying past. The problem is when they fail to pass and instead smack me in the face. The first time this happened was in the middle of a Dodgeball game, I failed to dodge, so presumably it is my fault. It hurt...and I had a mild black eye, but I laughed it off. The next time I don't even recall what was going down, but man it hurt. Then there was last night. Our Game Night was not even officially started yet (though there had been students in my office for hours) I was crossing the gym, after taking a picture, when all of the sudden I was met by the sharp sting of the third ball hitting my in the face thrown with such force that my neck and jaw both popped out of allignment leaving a swollen cheek.

It seems I have a magnetic face.

An instant headache insued and lasted into the morning. I am not sure that the morning headache was solely from the impact of the ball as I have been fighting off a cold or flu all week. Regardless as I met with my good friends and fellow youth workers for our morning prayers for our students and community, I began to see stars and my head was spinning. So I made an appointment to see my Chiropractor. She confirmed that my neck, jaw and infact bones in my head were misaligned and did her best to alliviate the pain and dizzyness. Upon her strong suggestion to go home, and rest I did just that.

Which brings me to THE POINT of this post...while getting Smacked upside the head repeatedly is not at all enjoiable, sometimes we just need to rest. As I have been laying here ALL day I realized that I have never spent the day in my place without having been sick. I have lived here two years and I have never spent the day in my apartment without being sick. Even today will not count. Because I am sore, and still feeling sick. It's kind of rediculous.

So even though I am feeling pretty crummy I am trying to enjoy this time of rest in my little bungalow. I watched some TV and I caught up on The Office. I even finally did some research on my Thyroid medication that I have been meaning to do. Which I know doesn't sound restful but it did bring me some comfort. Thankfully my Doctor is one of the good ones! More on that later I think. I also got to hear the thunder and the rain. So though it was painfull getting to this place of rest it is still nice to be home.

Oct 29, 2008

Old News

What do you get when you combine a Youth Worker, A Student, Hours of Project Runway watched, and Halloween on a budget? You get your own version of a Project Runway Challenge... The Challenge spend little to no money, create a fantastic, memorable black and white costume in less than 24 hours.
First came the 3 min sketch...

Which led to a trip to Costco to grab some packaging tape...and a drive by newspaper stop to load up on free newspapers!!!
Then came three hours of ripping, taping and cutting...

After about three hours we had the skirt portion of our newspaper dress...

A few more hours a day later and I had the dress for the Black and White party finished, just in time to debut it at the Halloween Young Life Club.

I went as Old News!

Oct 21, 2008

I love

My friend Heather posted awhile ago things that she loved about her house, because she had a friend do the same. I have a tendency to like Heather get caught up in the smallness of my home, and forget the things I love about it, so here are a few, though not 12 like Heather (she is an over achiever) things that I love about my little place.

1. I love my bed! It was my very first and thus far my only major furniture purchase, and I love it. It is even more comfy then it looks!

I especially enjoy reading in bed!

The shelving in my bedroom is also quite lovely, though I have not made the best use of the other half, (not pictured) I do really love this side with my shoes, journals, books and memories!

This beautiful soap dish was made for me by one of my students! I love it. I love the random collection of soaps that it holds as well. Some homemade by members of my church!

This is also in my bathroom. Really I love my bathroom, it is supper cute, just hard to take a picture of because of its size. But this will do, I love that I have a place to hang my latest Vouge, and I love that my toilet paper holder is just perfect so as never to keep the role from spinning. I also love that I splurge on super soft Charmin. Its the little things!

I found this fan in my office when I took over, it was burried back in a cupboard. I love it!
It is fun to me that I can see Rome from my bed :)

So there are a few things I love about my home.

Oct 18, 2008

Free is so sweet!

Like I just mentioned I went and switched from Verizon to AT&T today! This is not only great because it means that I will pay less monthly, Sweet! It is also great because I can actually use my phone in my apartment! Super Sweet. If you don't live around here, you may be thinking what? Yep Verizon got next to no signal at my little place deep in the Redwoods. So now I can enjoy chatting on my phone while lying on my bed, or cooking in my kitchen or whatever else one normally can do while talking on the phone. Where as the past two years I have had to lean my head against my sliding glass door and hope and pray that the other person was hearing me. To top it all off, I got a $230 ish phone for oh wait...NOTHING! FREE! That's right and it has 9 hours of talk time, and some sweet extra features like a pedometer and the radio, plus a sweet camera with little extras like panoramic shoot, and other stuff. And the best part it is not a Razor.

Oct 17, 2008

Good Weekend

This weekend is good already. I just got home from taking a group of Sr. High Students to the Hay Maze at Arata Pumpkin Farm in Half Moon Bay. I believe there was about 23 of us who drove out so that we could arrive at 8pm and spend the next hour and fifteen minutes wandering the 2-2.5 acre hay maze. Yep it took me and my four students the whole time to make it through and I am not sure we could do it again. It was super fun to be running around in the dark under the stars completely lost. I highly recomend it. I don't know that it would be nearly as fun during the daylight hours, unless you have kids. Then day time would be a better option.

Tomorrow should be good too! I get to switch from Verizon to AT&T...which I have been waiting for. Which means less expensive coverage and more of it! And a phone that is not my Razor!

Tomorrow is also my little brothers soccer game, always fun to watch Jordan play and my dad coach. I have missed most of them this season, because I have been out of town almost every other weekend. I am going tomorrow Go Tigers!!!

And then in the evening I will be going to see a student in a community play, a melodrama of some event in our community's past.

Then on Sunday night Real Authentic Worship starts back up! Yea! RAW is a great hour of worship that I have missed for the last four months. I am excited to have it back again! If you live in the area you should come join us! Its at 7pm in the Little Mt. Hermon Chapel on Conference Drive it is such a simple time of connecting with God.

Yep its a good weekend.

Oct 11, 2008

Obama Is Not The Only One Preaching Change

This weekend I am at the National Youth Workers Convention in Sacramento this weekend. I have been looking forward to this weekend since last year. Even when I wrongly assumed it was at the Arco Arena and which I thought was possibly the worst spot ever...even then I was eagerly waiting for this chance to get away with people who have for various reasons have chosen to follow the call that God has placed on their heart. I am here surrounded by about 2,500 Youth Pastors who have gathered to learn, challenge, be challenged, grow, rest and worship. It is one of my favorite weekends of the year. And thankfully it is not at the Arco Arena, but rather the Convention Center.

I came ready to learn and be challenged and I have been. I cannot even begin to cover here all of the things I am learning and thinking about. But, friends rest assured that Obama is not the only one preaching Change. Change is in the air around here, and seeing as the wind is blowing a lot things are getting russled about. It is refreshing, and yet uncomfortable at times.

More to come about this I am sure either on the blog or in practice or both. Hopefully both.

Oct 9, 2008

Only because we are friends

I got Tagged by Jenni, so I'm doing my bit:

Here are the rules:
1. Post the rules on your blog
2. List 6 random things about yourself
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post

1) While I would probably not get along with them in person I kinda have a thing for Anthony Bourdain (I know he is married) and Greg House (I know he is not real).

2) I love sushi even though half the time I eat it I throw up later.

3) I love cooking

4) I have next to no memories of my childhood

5) I used to hate reading and now I love it

6) I am not a pet person, but when I see dogs on TV I want one

I'm tagging....



Oct 8, 2008

To Twit or not to Twiter?

I jumped on the Twitter bandwagon back when Obama was new news. (when was that? seems like years ago) I know that this was the time, because I joined Twitter to join a group on Google Maps that was tracking Obama's progress in that election that happened ages ago. When I joined Twitter I found it confusing at best and lame at worst. Initially I was intruged, but because non of my friends were Twittering it was kinda pointless at that point in my life.

I forgot about it.

Then some of my friends got bit by the Twitter bug. They were getting Twitter updates on their phones and computers all the time, it kinda made them seem really popular. Every couple minutes their phone whould alert them of a new txt telling them of thier friends latest news.

Being the people person and friend junkie that I am, I decided to give Twitter a second chance. I reopened my account, and found a few but not many of my friends. I signed up to follow them, and they follow me. Yes I know that it seems stalkerish, but you are signing up for it, so it is not as creepy as if people were just following you uninvited. Anyhow, at first it was exciting, my phone would be going off every few moments telling me the latest news in my friends lives, and even the responces of their other followers would be sent to me. I could text Twitter and tell them where I was or what I was doing or thinking and they would publish all that info pretty much instantlly on my Facebook, Myspace and who knows where.

Did I mention before I am a People Person? Oh yep right before this. Yeah, which is why I am thinking Twitter is not actually the best thing ever. You see, now I know all about my friends at every moment of my day, but I no longer hear from them. Sure I get a little Twittering here and there, but for a girl like me who thrives on interpersonal communication it is pretty much sucking the life out of my social life.

Even when I do see or chat with my Twitter friends there is really nothing left to talk about, because they have been letting me and the entire world know their day to day stuff, without ever talking to them. So my friends, I am de-twittering once again.

Which in all honsety has been put off a little too long. I turned off all phone updates weeks ago, and really stopped reading along about then too. If you want to chat or grab a cup of coffee let me know. I am sure you will find another way of reaching me.

Oct 4, 2008

saturday surprise

I just came home to find a flower. Just a singular beautiful flower.
Perfect fit for the blue vase that I have been holding out t for just the right use.

When it Rains

It rained last night.

As I sat in my little place candles lit and listened to the sound of water falling from great heights I was reminded how much I love the sound of rain. How it somehow can minister to my very being. The world always looks different after the first rains have fallen. Greens are greener and things that have gone unnoticed seem to stick out. I am a sunshine sort of gal, but a good down pour now and then is good for the soul.

Sep 26, 2008

odd find

Let me know your thoughts....

Mr. Darcy

The blog is called random rants and ramblings and yet there has been a lack of that here as of late. Never fear. Let the rambling rant ensue...

I am in the middle of a series of fictional novels (a form of reading I am rarely into) based on Jane Austins character of Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. A character that lets be honest I have come to love. Though at first I would have to join Elizabeth Bennet and later Bridget Jones in my initial dislike of Mr. Darcy, I have succumb to the pull of his reserved charm.

This is perhaps why I was willing to pick up this fictional look at his side of the story. Seeking to in someway understand this guarded man of mystery perhaps just a bit better. I was captured by the first book from page one. The second took more effort on my part, a willingness to let go of the story I know and leave the beaten path following Mr. Darcy's story on a rabbit trail of sorts. My hope of knowing his character better allowed me to stay with the book when normally I would have set it aside for another.

The thing is, while I am enjoying the delve into the back story and the chance to gain some understanding of this brooding man, I find myself frustrated that the books are authored not by a male but by one of my own sex.

Why should it matter? I know it's only a book, that he is merely a character created in fact by one of the female persuasion. I think it is the idea that somewhere within my own female psyche I want Mr. Darcy to exist, maybe I even believe he does. In that Prince Charming sort of way. I know that I am not alone in this, if I was Bridget Jones would have never made it, nor would Jane Austins beautiful story. The reason those stories have captured the female following it has is not because of their leading ladies alone. We watch and read them again and again because somewhere deep down we have allowed Mr. Darcy to become our Prince Charming and we want him to exist, just as little girls dream of their Prince, we dream of finding our Mr. Darcy.

So I/we pick up these new tales of Mr. Darcy not only in hopes of discovering more about our fictional crush, but with the hope of discovering the key to finding and then understanding our own brooding man.x

We want answers, insight into the male mind. we want to know why he acts as he does, what our response should be to his every move and glance. Does it mean something, or is he just constipated or perhaps he has gas.

This is why I find myself enjoying the books but not satisfied. Because while I feel they do much for the fictional depth of Mr. Darcy's character, they are still written by a woman. They in reality offer no insight into my understanding of the Mr. Darcy I am hoping for or dreaming of. They are only a woman's opinion on what could be, the author has only put in writing what we hope for, nothing more. In a way she has just taken my own mild obsession with Mr. Darcy a step or leap farther, creating more of the man we wish existed.

For those of you who are now worried about my sanity, rest assured that I do not believe that Mr. Darcy exists or that he will walk into Coffee Cat and look down his nose at those he finds to be odd or idle. If this series can be any use in reality it's authorship has proven to me once again that Mr. Darcy is nothing more than a grown up version of the fairytale Prince of my childhood.

Sep 19, 2008


Ahoy! In honor of "Talk like a Pirate Day"
I am setting sail for good ol'Disneyland with me family.
I know ye all be jealous.

Sep 18, 2008

no rest for the weary

I can't sleep.

That's not true...what I mean is I cannot get good sleep.

I am tired at 11pm I go to bed. I read. The words begin to move about the page, so I set the book down, turn off the light and then...poof...I am wide awake.

Last night and two nights ago you can add and freezing cold to the wide awake. I lay there. Trying to sleep, ignoring the cold. Or trying to ignore the cold.

I give up. Turn the stupid heater on, jump in a really hot shower. Just stand there till I am no longer numb.

Make my way back to bed. Pick up my book. Words blend. My eyes give up and I sleep!

But then I am restless, I toss I turn I think. I think too much. Even in my sleep I am constantly running over things. I wake up suddenly with a song stuck in my head.

Finally I sleep a bit more.

This morning at 6:30 the phone rings. I answer assuming someone must be dying.

Nope. Wrong number. Wrong number at 6:30 in the morning. Who calls people especially the wrong people at 6:30?

I try to fall back into the dream that I at least hope I was having.

Its gone. Morning has won.

So now it's 2:15pm and its safe to say that while my eyes are brain is falling in and out of sleep.

Sep 15, 2008


I don't know about you, but sometimes I need change. For me it is often a sudden if not spontaneous urge. It is usually something little, often unnoticed, like driving a different route to and from normal locals. But sometimes I am in need of a more noticeable shift, a new job or something. This time it was somewhere between taking a new road and getting a new job. I dyed my hair.

If we have met you may be thinking big change your hair often enough. True. Thanks for noticing. But normally when I switch my hair I leave it to the professionals. This time I took matters into my own spontaneous hands.

On Saturday my plans went out the window, I was restless, so I took myself down to the local drug store with the color black in mind. Upon arrival I realized I was not in the mood for black and I had done it before. So I picked out a color called "cherry chocolate mousse." Why I was in the mood for food colored hair I still don't know, but it was what caught my fancy.

Back at the bungalow I mixed up the dye and went to work applying my yummy sounding but not so great smelling hair product. Then comes the hard part. Waiting. I sat. I then rinsed and dried and applied the highlights. Again the waiting. The rinsing, drying and styling. Ahhh...Wa-la A little longer than an hour after my intial inclination for change I went from light brown, to deep red.

Until that moment I had never in my life considered what I would look like with dark red hair with highlights. But there I was looking at the new version of me in the mirror. Change can be scary...but it is also fun. Its been three days, and I like the red. Who knows how long it will last, but for now I am kinda liking the change.

Aug 30, 2008

A gift

Friends, it is not often that I get to give you a gift via the web, something you can take with you more than just my words. But, today is your lucky day. This summer I was introduced to the music of JJ Heller, and now I get to give you the chance to fall in love with her melodic voice as well. She has made it possible for you to download her entire new CD for free 12 tracks of soul soothing music absolutely free. Check it out!!! Hope you love it! And don't say I never gave you anything.

Aug 26, 2008

Things you can do on Vacation in Portland

  • Sit in a coffee shop and read a book about whatever I want - check
  • Go out to Pizza with friends - check
  • Wander around Powells - check
  • Go window shopping on 23rd - check
  • Go to Fred Meyer and sit on the furniture displays - check
  • Watch the Office - check
  • See the Rose Garden for a good chat with - Check
  • Go to Washington Park - Check
  • Explore the Art Museum- Check
  • Have other random meals with friends - Check
  • Coffee (Dutch Brothers) and more - check
  • Catch up on blogs - check
  • Visit Old Stomping Grounds of GFU - Check
  • Go to Coffee Cottage for old times sake - Check
  • Explore Portland - Check
  • Go to really cool Theater and watch a great French film - Check (we must get a Living Room Theater in SC)
  • Go to Ringlers Annex McMenamins and read a good book - Check
  • Try Bubble Tea (still not a fan, but it was better than last time) and hear a fun band - Check
  • Have amazing crepes at Le Happy - Check
  • Make Creatures at the Mac Store
  • Explore old Churches

Aug 25, 2008

So Far

I am on vacation, yes I blog on vacation, but hopefully about something new. Below are just a few quotes that thus far apply to my journey up to Oregon.

"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving." -- Lao Tzu

"Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else." — Lawrence Block

"To awaken alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world." —Freya Stark

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by." — Robert Frost

"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey." -- Fitzhugh Mullan

"Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter." -- Izaak Walton

"The journey not the arrival matters." -- T. S. Eliot

"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them." -- Mark Twain

"A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles." – Tim Cahill

"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it." –- John Steinbeck

It was not the trip we planed but it was still a good journey!

Aug 3, 2008


So its the first Sunday of the month which in my church signals that it is time to take the Lords Supper as a way to remember His death on the cross for our sins. This morning as I was holding my little plastic cup filled with juice with the bread of life between my fingers I heard my 8 year old brother goofing off, "umm yummy, Jesus' blood tastes good." At first I thought to turn and give him one of those you better knock it off looks that I am so practiced at, but then I thought about what he had said. And as I lifted the cup to my mouth to partake I too noticed the sweetness as it passed my lips.

Why? I wondered was I so quick to silence my little brothers yammering, when it held such truth. Maybe, he should learn to hold his tongue, but maybe he was coming as he is to the Lord's table to partake in the blood and body of Christ in his own childlike way. And why shouldn't the blood of Jesus seem sweet? Do we not sing, "O the Sweet, Sweet Blood of Jesus"?

The peace and hope, the live and the promise of new life that this blood spilled out brings is in fact the sweetest of things. Even the Psalms say,
"taste and see that the Lord is good."

Jul 31, 2008

Turning a new page

I had never thought of myself as much of a reader until just recently when on a questionnaire I was asked to list the books I had read this year. At first it seemed like an easy task, perhaps even the easiest of all the questions I was being asked, but then as I started my list I realized this was not as simple as I had originally thought. In fact I could not even recall all of the books that I have took up this year. So I went to my GoodReads page to see if it could help jog my memory. It was then that I realized it was not that I was losing my ability to recall simple facts, it was that I had read way, way more books than one could hope to remember.

Turns out I can now consider myself an avid reader. A term I had deemed my sister, Krista long ago, but never thought of applying to myself. I still remember a time way back when I hated to read, not because I wasn't good, at it, but just because there was so much to do with friends that I couldn't comprehend wanting to snuggle up with a good read when I could be out with a great friend. That was back in 4th or 5th grade. Since that time I have fallen in love with a few great books, but it had never occurred to me that somewhere along the way I had simply fallen in love with reading.

You still won't find me with a fictional story in my hands most the time, as I just have a hard time enjoying that brand of writing. Though there are a few exceptions to that rule, and they are some of my favorites. For the most part I love tales of travel, and of real life. And I tend to always have some spiritual readings lying about. The books that I am most surprised to find that I enjoy are cookbooks, I mean I never in a million years would have envisioned myself buying a cookbook just for a good read, but somehow I have been able to not only develop a love affair with books but with cooking as well and combine the two and well then I am just jazzed. The best books for me are those that combine; food, travel and cooking with just the right amount of humor, cause who doesn't want to laugh? It's hard to find that perfect book more than once, but I keep trying. I have found a few.

As I read over my Good Reads list and tried to sort out this years reads from previous years reads I discovered that perhaps for the first time in my life I have read more books than I have gone to see films. Amazing, more amazing still if you know me. This is not due to a lack of film going on my part, just an increase in the book buying. Yes I know it is cheaper to borrow from the library, but I feel bad writing in those books. It is also not really more cost effective if you are like me and fail to return the books on time. Plus I lost my library card a long time ago, back when I never read, and when I went to try to get a new one the librarian lectured me on responsibility and how dangerous it was to leave my card lying around, someone might be checking out books in my name, (it's a dangerous world) needless to say she would not replace my missing card. In fact I think her exact words were that I could not have a new card till I brought my old one back. Humm. yeah, so bookshops it is.

quotes i love

  • "they will never care how much you know until they know how much you care."
  • "never be afraid to trust a well known God with an unknown future." - Corrie Ten Boom
  • "God doesn't need you, He loves you, that is much better."
  • "the world has yet to see what God can do through a man/woman who is totally commited to him." - D.L. Moody
  • "be who you is, cause if is ain't who you is, you is who you ain't."-
  • "some people say movies should be more like real life. I say real life should be more like the movies."